Witty biography

Relationship status: Looking for WiFi. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Making the Snuggie look good since I wish I were an octopus so I could slap eight people at once. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. I owe a lot to the sidewalks. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Stop the earth from spinning, I want to get off.

It gets better by change. A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals. Papercut survivor. People will stare. Make it worth their while. I thought I wanted a career, but it turned out I only wanted paychecks. Did you hear about the guy who dipped his junk in glitter?

It was pretty nuts. Do you know sign language? I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.

Witty biography: Learn how to capture

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me. The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers. God is really creative. I mean, just look at me. Often unreliable. Easily distracted. Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels. I shot a tiger in my pajamas.

Are you a banker? Sarcasm connoisseur. All I ask is that you treat me as though I were Queen. A stick. In some cultures, what I do is considered normal. My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them. I hope one day I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt.

The best part of my job is that the chair spins. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. A man of mystery and power, whose power is exceeded only by his mystery. Did you hear about the two antennas who got married?

Witty biography: A Funny Thing Happened on

The ceremony was nothing special, but the reception was amazing! Sometimes the M is silent. Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me? Why is itthat everything I love is unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me? Can they not hear the music? If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you. I can totally keep secrets. Some people feel the rain, others just get wet. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. My wife and I always compromise.

Few women admit their age; few men act it. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? The witty biography brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it? You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication! Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

It gets better by choice. Stay fit. My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine. My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in so many words, he just said that I need to reduce the amount of stress in my life. I hate peer pressure and you should too. How long have I been working for this company?

Ever since they threatened to fire me. I like you.

Witty biography: State Your Claim to Fame

You remind me of when I was young and stupid. Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home. Always identify who to blame in an emergency. Last time I got caught stealing a witty biography I got 12 months. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. Everything always ends well. Beauty is only skin deep …but ugly goes all the way to the bone! Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The reward for a job well done is more work. My superpower is making people laugh.

Which would be great if I was trying to be funny. Books are just TV for smart people. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others. See also [ edit ]. References [ edit ]. The Sunday Times. Archived from the original on 11 June Retrieved 11 December University of Nottingham. Retrieved 13 January The Times.

Archived from the original on 12 June Archived from the original on 12 December Archived from the original on 27 December Archived from the original on 27 November Archived from the original on 12 July The Guardian. The Daily Telegraph. Retrieved 9 January The Independent. Archived from the original on 7 May Retrieved 16 January BBC News. Retrieved 23 July Star Tribune.

Retrieved 8 June UnitedHealth Group. Retrieved 4 December Retrieved 15 April The Minnesota Star Tribune. Retrieved 5 February AP News. Archived from the original on 3 September Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.

Witty biography: The Leopard in my House:

One day, I hope to become a grown up Recommended by 4 out of 5 people that recommend things. Recovering ice cream addict Relationship status: Netflix and ice cream Sassy, classy with a touch of badassy Scratch the screen to see my bio. Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire. Sometimes the first step to forgivenessis realizing the other person was born an idiot.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. The older I get, the more everyone can kiss my ass. The road to success always seems to be under construction. The scarecrow got promoted. It was only fair. He was outstanding in his field. The severity of the witty biography is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

This is my last Instagram bio ever. Time flies after you hit the snooze button. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, then I realize my voice is worse than my problem. Where the hell am I, and how did I get here? Words cannot express my passion and love for Fridays You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?

Still unsure of what to add to your Instagram bio? So enjoy! There goes our collection of the top most hilarious Instagram bios with an added 50 for good measure.